Dusk Dream

I have this hole in me, that can only be filled by spirit. I haven’t felt like posting for a while but started to feel bad about neglecting the blog.
I’ve been trying out acrylic paint, which I like. My prayer for an illustration style seems to be being answered as I am finding it fun to use paint.
I took my inspiration from a Dazed Magazine Rodarte fashion story, and a photo of a green Lanvin dress.

Moving towards what I want feels very sad. Becoming who I am feels sad. I feel sad. Sadness is inescapable. I just don’t want to feel the sadness on my own.
So, I pray for people who understand the sadness and can feel their own. For them to find me, for me to find them. So we can support each other as growing adults.

Honestly, I also send out a vision prayer for a job that will move me further towards who I am supposed to be AND for a relationship with someone who ticks all the right boxes (God knows what they are) and aids my spiritual development.

I have attended a Tibetan Buddhist meditation group three times and stayed for tea afterwards. Seems like a nice group, so that’s one of my visions coming to fruition.

Today the job centre informed me that I can offer a recruitment subsidy to any company I approach for employment. They get 1,000 pounds for hiring me. Wahey! Need to think carefully about where I want to work. Thank you Department of Work and Pensions!

Here is a new card sketch, inspired by reading about the symbolism of foxes in Native American and other traditions. I’m not sure about it but it’s what came out today.

Several people talked about writing down goals with a deadline. I wrote that by November 1st I would have a job that would allow me to go to meetings and be flexible. On Friday I have an interview for a market research position. It may not be ideal but it IS a start. I’m grateful I’ve got the interview and that it’s flexible.

I pray to be shown how to pray.

Seriously, I am floudering in near-despair at present. But it’s an indication of things that are no longer working for me and I have the choice to let go of those things if I wish. I feel very sad. Old ways of doing are becoming defunct.

This is my first sketch for a greeting card design. I don’t seem to have the impetus to draw very much but it’s a start.

My head and my heart feel really heavy. It’s an effort to do the simplest things.

Here is a drawing of my Pomeranian, Rene, resting.

It has felt like a tough time recently, full of uncertainty and fear. I haven’t been posting as regularly as I would like. Drawing ideas seemed patchy and thin.

Recovery has felt difficult and painful these past few weeks.

An idea crystallised: draw, design and write copy for greeting cards. I’ve been advised to do research so I looked up some greeting card companies and the Greeting Card Association, which lists publishers looking for art work. Suddenly all this feels very overwhelming so I’m trying to remember that Easy Does It, it’s One Day at a Time, and that I am exactly where I need to be.

Still thinking about fashion, glamour, photography. I applied for a part-time position at The Photographer’s Gallery. I absolutely love Marilyn Minter’s work.

I need a portfolio of about 10 to 12 images to send to greeting card companies. Not sure what to draw and how to keep consistency but I will pray, sketch, research and do my best.

My latest (short term) visions:
To get closer to my core feelings safely, and to be able to express them effectively and honestly.
A new harness for Rene
New clothes for me. Particulary new sweaters, lingerie, trousers, skirt, dresses, tights and boots. Also shoes.
To purchase a manicure kit I tested out at a stall selling Dead Sea products. It was amazing and my thumbnail is still glossy after a week. Longer too.

Went to a talk and dinner to publicise the Alpha Course. Not sure how I felt about it really, though the atmosphere was nice. Sort of didn’t feel the vibe was right for me. May try one session though.

I attended a Buddhist meditation group I really liked. Part of me doesn’t want to go back but I think I will. The meditation was quite short and gentle. I wanted it to be longer and more intense but it stayed with me.

I bought a great fashion magazine yesterday, with a story about Rodarte. Beautiful clothes.

I received an excellent haircut at the Toni and Guy Academy, for five pounds.

And, I went out to see some exhibitions with a new friend who started talking about having a coffee with someone while the sun was going down and what a special time of day it was. That really felt like synchronicity.

I would like for myself and a group of friends to meet at the coffee shop in the Tate Modern, which overlooks the River Thames. At twilight.

I would like to celebrate Halloween in a spiritual way with people I care about and respect and whose company I enjoy.

I would like to do work I love.

I would like to behave with courtesy, integrity and wisdom. Tall orders but little by little the damage is being dissolved.

My vision for today is to speak authentically and appropriately at all times, and to be true to myself at all times. To behave in a congruent and truthful manner at all times.

Another vision is to eat more loving and varied meals this week, to call the HR department of a large department store to ask about work opportunities and to try a meditation class this week.

What attracts me to the idea of being Jordan? With all due respect to her I wouldn’t want her life. I couldn’t live it either. Having recently browsed through a book called The Deeper Secret, I was inspired to scoop beneath the surface of my fascination with her.

What I perceive in Jordan and want to be is:
1/ A self-made woman who has taken responsibility for herself.
2/ A woman who speaks her mind (her truth) without kowtowing to others.
3/ A woman who does not apologise for herself.
4/ A woman who is simultaneously feminine and strong.

Whether or not Katie Price actually lives these values and attributes I don’t know but they are what my child-like imagination attaches to the image/idea of Jordan. Now I need to reflect on how to live these values in my own life, in harmony with my own circumstances, assets and liabilities.

Seriously, I feel as though I am drowning today. Had an awful conversation yesterday, with someone I don’t think I’ll be speaking to again. I feel lost and desperate. My basic needs are met today. I feel so lonely though, and unfulfilled. I keep believing that I am being looked after, that I will be shown what I need to do.

I feel an inner prompting to commit to one faith or spiritual path. I am very drawn to Buddhism, probably Tibetan maybe Zen. I am also drawn to Christianity (Church of England), Science of Mind and what I understand as New Age spirituality (spirit guides, angels etc.) My tendency has been to fix on whatever will make me feel better, dotting between different traditions in a pick and mix fashion. What’s started to change that has been a regular prayer and mditation practice as well as certain values or tennets I try to live by, albeit majorly imperfectly.

I like the optimism and affirmative aspects of Science of Mind. I also respect what I have read about Buddhist philosophy and practice. So, I don’t know. I need something to hold me. The next step is to try some Tibetan Buddhist meditation groups. I’ve already tried three Zen groups.

Today I prayed for guidance about an illustration style that is authentic to me and my visions, which I can develop. I committed to doing one drawing (above), which ended up being what I think is my Sprit Guide’s name. Now, maybe I am completely doolaley. I just don’t know. I am split about the notion of signs and synchronicities. On the one hand I have seen and heard so many it seems ridiculous to discount them. On the other I could be latching onto a chimera. Either way, I’m keeping an open mind.

I need a commitment to a particular faith to help me stay with the present and face up to the past.

Here are some things I have been looking at:
Sue Williams’ work
Gala Darling
Cindy Sherman’s fashion magazine photographs
This illustrator (link from Gala Darling’s web site)
Cleo Roccas’s hair

A lot of stuff is building up and needs to be evacuated, out of me into the atmosphere. To be received by God or The Universe. The prerequisite for my ability to imagine and get clarity about my visions is a regular, ongoing practice of cleaning out and transforming my gunk through regular inventories. I have to keep myself as clear as possible in order to let the light in.

I am very happy to rediscover Sue Williams’ work. It’s strong and uncompromising, seamlessly mixing personal and political elements. The use of text and paint as a drawing tool is great. I always wanted to be on the margins, committed to my work, willing to remain unnoticed and anonymous until I was discovered (see her interview – link above). The thing is, I’m discovering I’m not that kind of soul. I need acknowledgment, luxury, stability, frivolity. But I want grit too. I want to be oppositional, to take a stand, to speak up against injustice.

I like the notion of a visual artist commissioned by the fashion world, someone who straddles the arenas of style and fine art.

And, I am drawn to the type of eccentricity that is glamorous plus unpretentious, cheerful, pragmatic and compatible with the daily business of earning one’s bread and butter.

I see myself working in some sort of business slash organisation that promotes or sells art, fashion, haute products, somewhere I can feel like a member of an alternative family and learn about business, people and the world until I’m ready to move on. Somewhere that will hold me while I develop my solo creative work and deepen my commitment to spirituality.

So, this is what my visions look like today:
I do low-fi text and drawing illustrations for fashion and other companies. I get to draw characters and tell stories in these illustrations and am inspired by many sources. I draw illustrations for entire fashion collections. Also for events. They are distributed and displayed in many places. The illustrations look like art and graphic novel pages.

I also do drawings and illustrations including comic strips for causes and values I believe in. These drawings and illustrations stem from my personal experiences as a woman.

I develop a personal style that is eccentric, feminine, pared down and no-nonsense all at the same time. It incorporates a hairstyle that can be slicked down or slightly punky but flattering, electric blue tights, great boots and shoes and a selection of well fitted signature pieces that make me feel like an adult.

This style is compatible with my identity as an ilustrator and writer, a person of faith and a woman of the world imbibing marketing, customer service and business experience in a colourful atmosphere.

I am embraced for my style and for being me. When I’m ready to launch myself as a self-employed freelancer I leave the organisation I work for. The transition is smooth.

I can do my creative work anywhere, and either move between two countries or relocate.

I have a strong core of genuine and loving relationships.

Specific elements and actions of/from today’s visions:
Electric blue opaque tights.
Find a hairdressing salon that offers low-cost or free haircuts and colour.
Update my web site with new illustrations and sample copy writing vignettes.
Pray and meditate.
Ask in prayer and meditation how I can be of service.
Keep drawing.
A well cut and flattering skirt.

I feel drawn to commit to one spiritual path but more about that tomorrow as I want to meditate, write my inventory for the day and go to bed.